So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
