Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
