Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
