It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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