If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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