how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
