Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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