I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What a dumb baby whore.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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