It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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