I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
