Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
