I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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