I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
