I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
