My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
