There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
