i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
