Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
