I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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