My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
