omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
