I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
