So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
