Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
sex in a hospital.. check
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
