I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
