Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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