I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
