i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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