It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
