My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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