So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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