My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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