Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I need moral support for this bender
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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