U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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