Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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