the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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