My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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