Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
