I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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