I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
