the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
