Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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