You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
