Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
