We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
