Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Randomize
