youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
