just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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