I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
