Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
