Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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