i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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